Mathew's Realm

My home is my lotus flower

I have been home almost a week since being in the Bahamas with my family and I have spent most of that time asleep or sprawled in my bed watching TV. I feel that I am somehow eating lotus flowers and being drugged to sleep because this isn’t normal. Well in all honestly this is my normal pattern at home (I eat, nap, watch TV, eat some more, hangout with my parents, watch more TV, and sleep) but never have I been home this long to get sick of it. In the past this reprieve from my busy schedule has been a blessing. Now eager for a change in pace, I feel almost entrapped by my habits. I wake up excited to go out, accomplish some goals, and enjoy the Florida weather, and by the time I am done with a shower and dressed I am somehow crawled back into bed with the TV on. What’s worst is, when I am out it’s because I am at dinner with my parents or out buying clothes for South Korea. This is one of those moments when I laugh at myself – I am complaining because I am privileged. What I realized though is that I am living in a paradox and the barriers in my head are not so clear cut. In college I grew to realize a passion for social justice, dedicating my energies to learning to be an advocate and a leader. While I can share my feelings and opinions at home of everything I learned at school, my words and actions seem to contradict and that’s the most upsetting thing at all. Now I am not saying I should feel guilty or can’t enjoy a nice meal or get clothes for a trip, but I think what I have realized is the person I was and am are different. And I think confining myself to my room has felt safe. It has allowed me to avoid facing new decisions. Just today I was out with my dad shopping for dress shoes for my suit. I had two different pairs on my feet trying to decide which one I liked better. They both were sleek black low tops with leather bottoms. “You want to love them” my dad said as I walked around testing to decide one felt more comfortable. His words struck me. I didn’t want to love my shoes. They are shoes, more of a practicality than anything. I didn’t care about them. I am taking his words at face value I admit, but I was provoked because it made me think how easy it would be to get entangled into being someone I am not. I don’t think that means I will ever stop loving ice cream or a good steak, but I can work to consider the consequences of my actions and how they effect the dominoes of our society. Being home has sparked a new set of questions for me to live out and discover. So I hope tomorrow the imprint on my bed gets some air and I begin.


This entry was published on June 25, 2014 at 1:29 am and is filed under Journal. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

2 thoughts on “My home is my lotus flower

  1. Barb on said:

    We are never too old to question and to learn! You are one young man I don’t worry about! Oh I worry if your happy, sick, okay – the normal things people worry about. But I never worry about your sense of wonder! If you don’t question yourself and the world around you – you my dear young friend would not be happy!

  2. Elisa on said:

    What an amazing way to pay it forward and contribute to the education of the less privileged while you continue your journey of life and make new friends in another part of the world. I look forward to reading of your adventures! Happy and Safe Travels!

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